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I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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