he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
