quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
