I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So vagazzling was a success
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
