just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
