my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
