hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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