Those balls look pretty dangerous.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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