I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
