I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
