omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
