I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
