Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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