I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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