u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
