I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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