Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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