Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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