i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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