I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
