Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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