Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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