Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sober January is a disaster.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
