i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My ass is underappreciated
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
