We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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