I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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