i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
