My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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