I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
