So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
