my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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