I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
