eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's always time for handjobs
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
