if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
