I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
