I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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