I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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