Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You took a bar mat shot.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
