Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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