What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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