Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
