Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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