im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
