This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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