I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
