she takes plan B like it's going out of style
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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