Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
