she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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