I wannas sexs uuuuu
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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