Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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