i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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