Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
