When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
