Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Never underestimate the power of titties
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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