I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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